The Eve of the Great Escape
The grand adventure awaiting me on escape is only a day away. To say that I feel utterly unprepared is a bit of an understatement as I remain in bed out of pure laziness and lack of motivation. It's difficult to even conceive what "being ready" even entails. Perhaps a packed bag would be a start but just looking at the mess of clothes and toiletries that have yet to fit nicely into an already-bulging suitcase is a turn off if I've ever seen one.
Emotionally, I can't exactly say I'm close to ready. The anticipation for this impending trip has sure followed me throughout this whole semester - albeit the past ten years of my life - and I've struggled to talk about anything more than all the preparations and plans that I've endured. It's taken over my life; not only in the sheer amount of work that has surmounted in this past month particularly, but in all my thoughts, conversations and yes, even nightmares.
And yet, last night, I felt my heart constricting and my breath shallow as I had a mild panic attack about the whole thing. Not only is this packing situation got me worried, the whole ordeal is freaking me out, to put it lightly.
It's become a mixture of disbelief that this is happening, and will be happening in mere hours; and a sincere fear of how in the world I'm going to pull this off. Not to mention, the constant reminder of just how freezing cold it will be; and assurances that I know nothing of this sort of cold have not exactly put my heart at rest.
My mind is running wild with all the awful things that could go wrong; starting with the packing and the inevitable forgetfulness of some crucial charger or toiletry item. Every step along this journey brings its own trials and tribulations and reasons for panic and anxiety. My response is to merely crawl under my covers and refuse to face my problems...which only adds to the problems.
Perhaps all I really need to do now is to just leave and get on with it. I've never been good at the waiting game and hey, I don't have long now.